My Faith In Love
Categories: Uncategorized
By teej
Yesterday an article came out on msnbc.com entitled “Marriage Eludes High-Achieving Black Women”. In this article two Yale researchers supposedly crunched some numbers, did some interviews, and came to the conclusion that the more educated and successful sisters became, the less likely they are to get married and have a family if they so choose. Now maybe my c.o.n. spiracy spidey senses are off a bit but I saw so much innuendo and so many disturbing undertones in this article it literally fucked up my whole day. No for real….I was in a pissy mood for the remainder of the day!
They said that single sisters were hesitant to have a child because they didnt wanna seem “ghetto”, but when a single white women has a child she is deemed “liberal”. Also that another reason for this trend is that there arent enough highly educated/accomplished brothers to go around. And the when the brothers are highly educated/accomplished they tend to “outmarry” AKA marry anybody else but a sister.
I know propaganda when I read it dammit!!! Please heed the words of the great Chuck D yall….‘Dont believe the hype’.
“So THEY say we’re running out of time/ We’re running out of water/ We’re running out of light/ There are far too many questions/ and just not enough answers/ And if we keep on asking THEY gon tell US what WE like!” - Solange “6 O’clock Blues”
After reading the article I passed it along to some friends of mine on Twitter expecting everyone to be equally outraged and disgusted. And while no one was in clear agreeance with the article, there were some who were not as disturbed by it as I thought they would/should be. I think somewhere in this big head of mine I kinda expect all my people to be riders and advocates of black love like me. Now granted I could have been a little too moved by the article but what I (think I) found is that alot of my friends are jaded and skeptical of the durabilty of black love. And that to me is heartbreaking.
Could be the eternal optimist in me. Could be the hopeless romantic. But to hear my friends and peers express the doubts that they do as to whether love, and more specifically BLACK love can endure and last was a bit shocking. While I’d never be so dumb as to think people have to share my views on such matters, I think it just kinda hurts to hear some of the (seemingly) nonchalant attitudes about it that I did.
I feel like I should keep reiterating the fact that I very well could have been not reading/interpreting my friends comments clearly because I was literally seeing (and probably reading) red after that taking in that piece of shit article.
I say all that to say….no matter what….hold on to your faith in love. God is love, right? So dont let anyone or anything shake your faith in either. (You like how I backdoored that, dont ya? lol)
And lemme just close with this : I promise you aint a thing in the world that can make me stop believing in love. No matter what ups and downs I go through as far as my love life I am solaced by the fact that I KNOW in the end I will have the type of love and marriage that I have envisioned for myself. This I know for sure….and I hope you believe in yourself enough to know that you’ll get the love that you deserve as well.
Inspiration : That wack article, my faith in love, twitter debates, and Stevie’s “As”, which in my opinion is the best love song ever. If you dont believe me, google the lyrics.
August 14th, 2009 at 6:54 am
Nice.
August 14th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Teej,
Outstanding write!! I read the article, and like you, I was outraged! It’s indeed proganda, and a conspiracy to further taint the overall opinion of Black men in the minds of society, and drive the wedge further between an already suffering black family unit, and further deminish the pride and ego of Black males by making them feel inferior and inadequate to his own woman. I am a Black women, and tire often, of the women who have been influenced to believe that they don’t “need a man”. We need each other…As far as the skeptics, what bothers me most is the way so many of us BELIEVE and ACCEPT these lies. Do we not know who writes these articles? Do we not understand that these are manipulative conspired ideals, to subliminally influence us (black women) to abandon, resent, and even demonize black men. Our relationships and spirits are so broken, in large part, because of the media. We have to stop allowing others to dictate and control our love for one another with the false images and perceptions they create of us.
August 14th, 2009 at 9:23 am
First I want to say this is well written man and that I agree with you 100%. We have to realize that the enemy can and will use anything to discourage and derail us for accomplishing what we are supposed to for God. The Yale article did that for a lot of men and women yesterday but we have to walk by faith and not by sight. Yes the article had a lot of statistics and statements that may be true but yet I believe otherwise because I believe in a God that can do anything, even restore the black family. The article only told us what most African Americans know and again found out in Black in America Part I, there are more 1 million more black females than males in corporate America and many black men are in the correctional system which lead to a lopsided number of eligible women to men.
I’m a man that believes I won’t fully reach my potential completely until God shows me my wife. In knowing that I can’t operate in anything but blind faith that God will provide. I suggest the same for women too. You have to be prayerful and you have to be ready to receive what God has for you. You also have to ready to receive him in the package God has him wrapped in as well. Keep Praying… Stay Faithful… JB
August 14th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
I have mixed feelings about it…while I do agree that the more educated black women are the less likely it is for them to possibly mate, I DON’T agree that it’s because there is a lack of good BLACK men…so you have every right to be pissed…good black men are plentiful…it’s just a matter of whether or not she (the black woman) to let go of this ‘equally yolked’ bullish. Just because a man doesn’t make as much money as you do or he does manual labor doesn’t mean that he isn’t a good man or isn’t ‘equally yolked’. We - black women- have got to refocus on what’s important and be more concerned with if he will give you what you need to feel complete as a woman, wife, etc. versus what kind of car he drives.
I could go on and on on this topic…but I think you get the point Teej. lol
Good read babe! Keep it up!
August 14th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
I didn’t find the article outrageous, because it was, IMO, just a statistical analysis of the likelihood of being black, female and married after a certain age. It wasn’t to say that black women have given up on black love, per se.
That said, most women don’t necessarily attribute their problems with finding someone to all black men or the concept of black love. It’s usually very personal. It’s *I* can’t find someone, not *none of it is real*. And so when taken from that perspective, an individual black woman’s choice to date outside her race or to have a child by herself is not a repudiation of the idea of black love. Its not that such a woman thinks that no black couple can be happy together. Its that she makes a distinctively personal decision that she probably won’t find the type of black man she is looking for.
August 14th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Thanks for speaking on this. I saw the article, but when I saw the title and what I figured they were trying to say…It got the mental “G” File. I am like you, I love hard and what comes of it is an experience to live by so I can continue to “Keep It Movin”.
Thanks for sharing you opinion. I do enjoy reading your work!
August 14th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
This is almost too deep for a comment. I can see both sides. I believe in LOVE, but when it comes to “black love,” I will admit, my faith is a little shaken. As one of those sistas that those Yale researchers were talking about, I don’t base this on any study, or statistics. I can only base it on the state of black love as I see it. It’s pretty grim, and on a personal note, I have heard some of the most visceral things ever said about sistas from black men. Like Jill said, “How would it make you feel if every black woman in the world would disappear?” This comes from a real place. I feel you and your outrage over this, but you are RARE! A LOT of brothas simply DO NOT feel the way that you do. They believe in love, just not black love.
August 14th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
It always makes my heart smile when a Black man expressses his faith and beliefs in love. Thanks for the inspiration and faith in love.
August 14th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
“Could be the eternal optimist in me. Could be the hopeless romantic” It is babes. LOL. Or maybe I’m J-J-Jaded like Aerosmith. But I gotta say, I know the truth when I see it, and this article rings true for me and my homies and family. I have lots of childless relatives over 40 because they never married and didn’t want to be a babymama. My non-black friends all have a black man, and my black friends don’t have a man unless he ain’t black. And most black dudes I know (thank God not you) act like sisters are the worst thing in the world. I’m glad you’re mad though, because the truth, especially when it sucks the way this truth does, hurts. At least we’ve got you on our team. And I’m glad you still believe. Maybe I will again one day, but not for a long time. Yep, jaded. Not bitter. But definitely jaded.
August 16th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Teej,
I think the numbers reflex that state of the world. A lot of Black women have more education and are making more money then Black men. Now, I am not saying that this should be a reason to stay single. Yet, it is alarming that we feel like some Black men just aren’t on the same level.
The majority of my friends are educated, business owners, child free and yes SINGLE. They would love to marry a Black man. Yet, they fill like they would have to lower their standards to do some(I know this is not ALWAYS the case)
The state of marriage and committment within the black community has gone downhill since slavery. It was an honor for men to marry after slavery because it was a privilege that had been denied. Now, it seems like marriage is an option.
Ultimately, we as individuals have to make our own definitions of love and marriage. If more people put God first and went applied the definition of love that is in Corthinians the world would be a different place. We can’t look at our other people and their love and marriage and say I want that. We have to set the standards for ourselves. So what if your parent’s marriage didn’t work That is their story and it doesnt have to be yours…you know what I mean?
Like you…I’m a hopeless romantic and I’ll never give up on love
It scares me how much we are alike…lol
Lena
August 17th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I’m intrigued by your ‘outrage’ at what you deemed ‘hype’. Sure, some of that was stereotypical, but some of it was true. You ever notice how we *rejoice* when an educated and/or rich black man weds a black woman! Such a rarity.
And in all honesty… I don’t know any single sistas withOUT kids, and not very many single white women WITH them.
August 17th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Great article, TJ! I will say that, though my faith in love in general is high, I can’t say the same for my faith in Black love. As an educated Sistah with three degrees, my ability to find appropriate Black men at least near my level has proven very difficult. That’s not to say that they aren’t out there, but that’s just my experience. Most of the Black men I even associate with seem intimidated by my education and way of speaking and carrying myself. They want a woman who will “make them feel needed,” and I’m just not it. As a result, I have stopped discriminating. So if a man comes along that does fit all of my requirements (i.e. treats me/my son right, working, educated, single, less than three kids), be he Black, White, yellow or brown…I’m going for it! If I am any indication, there are a lot of Black women who are just tired of waiting. But I still have my hopes for that strong, successful, honorable Black man.
August 17th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
What’s most disturbing is their assertion that, “African heritage is devalued compared with European or Asian heritage. African-American females, even with lots of education, do not fetch as much “value” in the marriage market”. What kind of crap is that, and the audacity to make such a statement! Black women should be enraged by this statement, damn it I am! What a bullsh*t statement!
August 26th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Sweet sweet optimist, you’re so sweet & I love ya. However, as a positive person who is a realist/idealist, I too hold your ideals & desires, but can not have the luxury of denying the realities. I’m no optimist, nor a pessimist… which means I see the glass at HALF and i work towards getting more, and I enjoy what I have already. I’m saying this to say, as a black woman, who is intelligent, talented and whatever else makes me feel like a success, I can definitely tell you that it’s hard out here! It’s not enough to be something, you have to find someone who is also that same something. He has to alo believe, as you and I do. I’ve had my share of succesful black men in my life and I can say that what they speak of in the article is not false and I’d like to add that many black men desire me for all of my attributes, but it’s hard to find someone who isn’t either intimidated or hell bent on making you feel less than you are in order to make theirself feel more secure as a man. It doesn’t matter how loving and reassuring the woman is, when or if the man isn’t secure with a successful or well rounded WOMAN. Do I think there is hope… of course I do, but I recognize the realities as well. I’m cheering black love on, but we need more men doing that as well… as you are.
Bottomline is, this is a stigma.. a unspoken thing passed down from generation to generation, that originated when black male slaves were seperated from their families and their women. The statistics till this day are indeed, the reality. We just need to change our way of thinking and being, and break that subliminal hold that twisted history still has on us.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
I know I’m late getting in on this one, but I didn’t see the article saying educated black women didn’t want to be married, it says it ELUDES us. Most of the women I know would like to be in a loving committed supportive relationship, but wanting it and having it are two different things. Coming from a working class family and opting not to go the corporate route myself, I’m not hard pressed to find a man with a bunch of degrees and tons of money. What I find disturbing is how many of my brothas treat women and expect to be treat by us. My extended single status stems from the fact that most of the men I have encountered are bustas. They have jobs, education, homes, cars, no kids, etc.. but their attitudes stink.
It true that many men are wary of women who earn more or are more educated, but those are self-confidence issues that the brothas need to work out for themselves. My father is a retired electrician and he dates women who are executives and business owners on the regular. His current GF is a bank VP and she makes a lot more money than he does, the thing is, he is confident and knows that what makes him the man is not is wallet.
My advice to my sistas who are on some “he needs to be educated and make money BS,” don’t look past the good INTELLIGENT LOVING man who gets his hands dirty at work . HOWEVER, my word to the brothas of all education and income levels is to BE A MAN! Get some game, get some confidence and know that whether she makes $10k or $100K if you are a real man and treat her right you’ll have her respect!