3 Months
Categories: Uncategorized
By teej
*PAUSE*
(Yo I hate LOVE GAMES! I think we’re too grown for that. It was cool in high school but not so much now. People just need to be direct and up front about shit yo. You start playing the love games and shit gets tricky. Use your budnippers people. Nip that shit in the bud, say what you mean, be open and direct and you will be just fine like Mary J.)
Anyways….once Nina decides to follow Josie’s advice shit goes haywire and it takes them a year to get it back together! But that’s not the point of this blog. And yes I realize that if you aren’t familiar with the movie, then all those names and whatnot may confuse you and surely ruin it if you haven’t gotten around to seeing it, but you know what? I DON’T CARE! It’s one of the best movies EVER and your monkey ass shoulda seen it by now!
Moving along…..
The whole point of this blog is about starting a new relationship. I think it’s granted that in between relationships you have “situations” with people that you deal with and all, right? They aren’t quite your girl, but yall hang enough for there to be some sort of understanding. Not necessarily on a physical tip, but again there is a understanding. Then you find someone who you start to kick it with and before you know it you are thinking of that person as a possible mate. But what about ol girl that you “see” sometimes? Then there’s that “weird period” usually at about the 6 week mark or so when you start thinking “Man things is getting real with Tasha, but how am I gonna shake Lisa?” Anyone feeling me?
And so ladies and gentlemen that’s why I’m proposing a 3 month rule!
See with the 3 month rule it is understood that with any new person you begin to see, you have exactly 3 months to completely rid yourself of any “situation” that needs to be disposed of. The start date of the 3 month rule is retroactive to the first time you realized that you and the newbie may have something here. And again that realization usually comes at about the 6 week mark of you two kicking it, so in essence that literally leaves you 1 1/2 months to rid yourself of said “situations”, but you know….different strokes for different folks so we’ll leave it at 3 months.
*Inspiration : The movie “Love Jones”, a convo with Geli, and having played the “love games” before and learning that it’s just better business to say what you mean.
September 12th, 2008 at 1:27 am
I’d love to see this rule in action! I bet that a whole bunch of break-ups would happen on the 179th day though… I’m jus’ sayin… LOL
September 12th, 2008 at 1:34 am
On the show “Girlfriends”, Joan had a three month rule before she slept with her dudes for those same reasons… She never stuck to it, but she did have one…lol
September 12th, 2008 at 5:25 am
I don’t know how I feel about this 3 month rule, or just being dragged on in a “non-relationship/situation”. I’m the kind of person that hates people wasting my time and me wasting people’s time. So 3 months is way too long for me. I usually make that cut at around week 3 or 4 of meeting someone I know is not gonna go where I want it to go.
Like you stated we all grown, and if you are honest the person you are dealing with will be honest with you. If you tell that straight up, I’m feeling you and I want a relationship, even if they dont want a relationship, but at least they’ll give you a straight up answer for you to make a decision. You just have to LISTEN, and that’s what we fail to do at times, is LISTEN and we are too busy looking for the answer we want, the ones that gives us “hope” that there could be more, when in reality he just told you that “he don’t want you” (not in those exact words) but whatever.
September 12th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Hmmm, it sounds good in theory, but like Monalisa pointed out — people tend to make these rules only to break these rules. Never forget, all is fair in LOVE and WAR.
Good shit though Teej. Love Jones is a classic. I’m looking forward to seeing another newly released black boy meets girl indie called Medicine for Melancholy. I posted the trailer on I Fux Wit It (http://ifuxwitit.blogspot.com)…
September 12th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Sometimes people need more than 3 months to break it off!
But I like where you’re going with this….the idea that, yeah, it’s possible to be in the game with more than one person at one time.
We ALL have that “just for the meanwhile” person we kick it with until the potential “mate” comes along….what happens to that person after the 3 months? Friend zone? Distance? Safety-clause?
September 12th, 2008 at 8:45 am
You really don’t need a 3 month rule because if your feeling the newbie your gonna shut everything else down. When someone comes in your life and move you in emotional way thats what you do. You may not need 3 months.
But as grown as people you have to inform the “situation” about whats going on in a upfront manner. It may mean you can’t go back and hit that, but you have to respect that person by letting them find someone as well.
September 12th, 2008 at 8:45 am
I really like what KMP said. LISTEN. Most of us, including me at times I’m sad to say stick around looking for clues instead of accepting the reality. I agree to be upfront whenever you start to get that feeling you want more. I’m actually at that mark now & it’s been exactly one month. I’m want to drop my team for a little one on one
but I’m waiting for that to be a mutual decision. Sooner than later, I hope to have that “talk” of the future and intentions. Great topic though, T. Love Jones is my #1 fav movie! But games are for kids. Grown & sexy adults should be honest and forth coming with whatever they want, need, expect and feel.
September 12th, 2008 at 8:59 am
Part of the reason people play so many “games” is because everyone has some “rule” to follow. Relationships are not supposed to have individual sets of rules, it’s supposed to be about RELATE-ing (purposely misspelled). That means that the two individuals are supposed to come to an understanding of and with each other and this should be what determines the boundaries (if any) of their relationship. There are individuals that we think are really cool people and enjoy hanging out with, but would never be attracted to, others that we are only attracted to physically, and a few that kinda blend the two and we consider dating. The biggest problem is that few are willing to accept their gut instinct about a person, and honestly express that. Instead, they start everyone out as a possible mate, and end up having to play the games in order to not hurt their feelings later or to selfishly maintain their enamored loyalty…just in case. The beautiful part of life is getting to know one another, sharing our hopes and dreams, and realizing things about each person in our lives that makes them unique. If relationships came with a rule book, what would intrigue us to take chances and try new things?
Smoke sumthin…
September 12th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Hey boo. I think what you are proposing makes perfect sense. But regardless of the time frame or rules people want to implement in their lives and relationships, I just want mofos to be HONEST. I mean really, save the games and bullshit for somebody else. I dont have time to waste so I’m keeping it real and I expect the same from whomever I’m dealing with, regardless of the “type” of “relationship” we are in.
if more folks would just be honest, it would save folks a lot of headache, heartache and time.
September 12th, 2008 at 9:27 am
First, I must say that you are absolutely correct about Love Jones. It’s a must have in the dvd collection. I watch it at least every 3 months…
The love games should be out of all of our systems by now. I agree with Angie on folks needing to be honest. I mean, it doesn’t take that long to determine if you’re feeling someone. Once you know how you feel about the newbie, you need to let go of the jump offs. It really doesn’t take that much effort. Sometimes people just need to be real and quit ‘faking the funk!’
Once again, a great post Teej!
September 12th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Why not just take it as it goes? There are too many variables in relationships. For that reason, rules seldom work. It’s diffiult to be regimented and think that your relationships will flourish. Relationships take patience, kindness, understanding and humility.
September 12th, 2008 at 10:28 am
SO when can we start our 3 months? I think weve been beating around the bush for a few years now…. wink… wink… if you dont know who this is I am your new facebook buddy haha
September 12th, 2008 at 10:41 am
I love it!
September 12th, 2008 at 10:46 am
3 months huh?
How ’bout a brother say from day one that you have situations so there are no surprises… and how ’bout you tell ole girl you aint really feeling her anyway and rid yourself of the baggage of only being truthful once you find what you REALLY want. Most of the time this is the case… it’s very few and far in between that you are in love or really feeling a woman, and then a new one comes along to take all of the feelings you are building with your old one. I hate it when a brother acts like it’s all about you - forgets about ole girl for 3 months or so, then you find out when the girl is knocking on his door while y’all are having a nice time watching a movie on the couch and the brother failed to tell her that he was dating you - let alone wasn’t feeling her anymore.
Song to explain the situation… If Your Heart Isn’t In It by Atlantic Starr
September 12th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Any time you mentioned my favorite movie of all time…you know I am going to be open to listen. I’ve feel 3 months is plenty of time to rid yourself of past and start anew… but love never really dies so depending on the previous situation, you cant really put a measure of time on getting over
September 12th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Teej,
Wow, this one is a real sensitive and real ass topic, I totally agree about killing the “grown ass LOVE games” they got to go, sometimes I feel myself asking my girlfriends what I should do in situations when the “newbie” with the connection sent the last text, or last call. Fuck that! if I want to talk Im gonna talk, or leave a message, etc… no more games. Here that everyone?? it is soooo wack!
Now as far as the three month rule… I think that if one has not disposed of themselves in three months when they know they are feeling the newbie and the connection is strong… they need to get on it… because two things can happen…
One. Newbie is not getting all of you b/c your still thinking how you can possibly be available to the “always a good time” and that’s not fair. The newbie should have all you of b/c you want to give it. and you know it… So stop it! Dont be Scared…
Or…
two. the “Always a good time” is probably assuming or wanting to know that you may possibly have something more than that… hey if it didnt happen by now… It’s not going to… it surely is what it is… Merely A good time… and we are all more than that… so when you find it, get in it, and enjoy what the future may bring… Connections are real, Passion is true… Stop playin…
WORD TO THE MOTHER TEEJ! SPEAKIN THE TRUTH
CHANEL
September 12th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
I agree. One should expect a grace period before getting to really involved with a new love.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
I am feeling you on this one homey! Relationships are hard, but when your partner ain’t fessin up about unresolved bullshit it only makes it that much more difficult to want to be with them. Relationships take time, so I strongly suggest pacing yourself with anyone!!!
Holla
September 12th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
The movie isn’t fresh on my mind but I get your point and hopefully I’m not too off track with my below response.
Okay, the three month rule ain’t so bad…. BUT, I question the reason for a rule when unless you are married and binded to another individual - it’s all free game. In my mind at least…
I believe that a person knows when he has finally met his “potential” soulmate — until this moment arrives, it makes no sense to committ yourself into a relationship (which is probably often a one-sided relationship more often than not). Although, I must say, that “situations” are inevitable, no matter the circumstance — are you strong enough to resist?
September 12th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
HAHAHAAAA!!
love it, actually.
i’ve been in that situation way too many times, but find that being honest (riding angie and noe’s coattails) is always the best idea.
especially for that one you’re trying to “shake”…he or she may be thinking you’re getting serious.
September 12th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
honesty… such a lonely word.
billy joel sang that song and its so true
but honestly.. honesty saves times and hearts and feelings and unblocks blessings..
have a blessed and bliss day teej
love reading u here..
Syl
September 12th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Three months is too long for me but then again I tend to think I am in love in two days..hahahahha. Im a loser : (…Screw that kid, Im a Winner!)
September 12th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Ol’ Joan Carol Clayton-ass ni&&a!!!
September 12th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
If we’re cool, can laugh together, enjoy loving life and laughing a lot AND you’re cute, I’m going to want as much time as possible so that I can determine if it’s worth shutting everything down for u. But, sometimes you gotta be careful b/c it takes some longer than others to let the crazy out!
September 12th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Ummmmm - I am not too sure that I agree with the whole three month thingy Teej. To me if you’re not feeling the person anymore - nipping it in the bud as soon as you begin to start feeling someone else is the more sensible thing to me. If you keeping ole girl (or ole dude [ladies]) around for 3 months…that in my opinion is some selfish (_l_) sh*t (because the only reason you keeping her around is for “just in case” purposes) meaning: just in case sh*t don’t work out with the newbie then you have ole girl to fall back on and that ish is so not cool.
Side Note: Woooooo dude - you better be glad I’ve seen the movie - otherwise that would have been your (_l_) ha ha ha. For future reference I have NOT seen “Why Did I Get Married” so try to keep that one “off limits” until I have at least seen it…otherwise we‚Äôre gonna have some problems Teej….LOL! (but not really) *wink*
September 13th, 2008 at 2:40 am
I think 3 months or LESS is adequate. Any longer than that is just WRONG! I would prefer less. I believe this should be done asap. No BS’n around. The problem with the 3 month thing is that the girlfriend material will be pissed if she ever finds out that you were seeing someone for 3 months while dealing with her. It’s best to just cut things immediately. Whatever you do, DO NOT sleep with, mess around with, kiss, fondle or go out with old girl even if you haven’t told her yet!
Start off by telling her you met someone you really hit it off with. Then casualy slow down on contact and calls… but when you do speak with her you have to make sure to mention why you’ve been so busy… talking to new girl. This way you can see her reaction, get her questions, and see if you two can be distant friends.
September 13th, 2008 at 5:43 am
I think grace periods kinda rock; they ensure limited liability, and enforce some degree of a rule: just comply, thats all thatsa being asked, on a very minimal level, simply work it out if you’re feeling someone, and break that ole nasty √≠sh off if you ain’t.
Issue is, we’re approaching this as if its always men; ladies is pimps too, and I have surely dated Mr. Inbetween time before dating Mr. Realluv, and Mr. I kept me occupied, and it isn’t simply a sexual thing as much as, hell, we all get bored.
I happened to maintain my anti-boredom connection with Mr. I in the early (most likely 6 week period) upon meeting Mr. Real…
Which is when we come to a cross-roads: our actions speak louder than our grace period. If you’re starting a physical relationship with someone, clearly (and this is my public health background coming out) you have some decisions to make to ensure your continued health, but you also need to see where you’re at emotionally: can you handle (even with appropriate prophylaxis) the juggle?
Should you?
People need to know what they are potentially getting themselves into, and if you realize you are experiencing any degree of anxiety about someone knowing about your version of Mr (or Mrs) Inbetween or Mr(s) Luh… you may have to let somebody go or know.
Just realize whats at stake. Someone potentially will have a nutty (inundation of why you hurt me so bad email, drunk texts and the like) or you may realize, shit was getting old any damn way.
Go TEEJ. I hear/feel you. A good deal of us have been there, but can we insert a clause about appropriate notification?
I mean… I’d want to know, especially if I was becoming physically involved. One should always know the source of a mysterious skin lesion, the DNA, and the hickey. Period.
September 13th, 2008 at 7:51 am
I guess that’s one way to guarantee you always have an overlap bw your options. LOL. 3 months, 3 years… Men don’t break off their ’side pieces’ - they leave the door cracked because they realize after 3 months with the new chick, they’ll be tired of her too.
September 13th, 2008 at 10:31 am
I’m with Bennie.
To just say my piece on it…
If I’m the one - holla.
I’m I’m not - holla.
This town is too small - don’t go around fuckin’ up your reputation. You may not get to experience finding the right person if everyone thinks you’re a bag of bag karma.
There are more than a few cats(male and female) out here “on the scene” who have “Don’t Touch With A 10 Foot Pole” status… they don’t know I’m sure because they are too busy enjoying all their options. For NOW.
Be straight up - you may still have a space of grace that could allow you to rekindle with someone you let down easy once you get your mind right. AND you save yourself the karma of hurting someone who really didn’t deserve it.
September 13th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
That rule would have saved me a lot of heartache back when I first started dating my now ex. He kept dibbling and dabbling with his “friend” while making serious with me, and I kept finding out about it. I married him anyway, but that’s another story.
September 14th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Now that’s some awesome advice…Why can’t grown folks stop playing some love mind games still amazes me? Keep it coming Teej.
Kindest regards,
Mona
September 14th, 2008 at 11:46 am
TeeJ,
You know I have nothing but love for ya man…right! O.K., what’s with the 3 months. I agree you know if you are feeling someone. If you aren’t feeling them then letting it be known of the bat is a way to cut the bull. Why waste your time and emotion with someone who you have no desire to go forward with. Why ruin what could be a great friendship by complicating it with bootycalls LOL!
There is nothing wrong with being single until you meet your heart stopper. Now I do realize that some people are terrified of being alone. I was once there myself.
I propose this and you tell me what you think. How about filling the void yourself instead of wasting time on situations that may vex you in the long run. This way you can turn inward and get to know more about who you are instead of the people who may create different faucets of you. This way when you meet someone the relationship may be lasting because you are more grounded in you. Doing this you can portray who you are cause now you know yourself.
September 14th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
I’m gonna watch Love Jones (for the 100th time) now.
I have to marinate on the “3 Month Rule” but I do wholeheartedly agree that grown folks need to stop playing with each others emotions, employing games instead of honesty, and trying to get over on one another.
September 14th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
I agree with you Teej but that is just not going to happen. We don’t live in a perfect world and “some”people are just not going to give honesty.
ITS NOT……
There are those people who will subcribe to the 3 months or six months or whatever it is…..
But some individuals will always have somebody in mind just in case it does not work out!
Some People are always going to play “those” games even when they are married “some” just do.
September 14th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
LOL, so so so timely. First I ALWAYS assume that whomever I am seeing has some “situations” going on whether it is ever implicitly divulged or not. It’s one of the main reasons I take my sweet time before getting “physical.” I do not want my energy mixed with any of his “situations.” With that being said 3 months is MORE THAN ENOUGH time for anyone to handle any outstanding situations. Relationships are a simple matter of choosing to be with one person instead of several.
With regards to my current love interest, he is so on the count down and if his “situations” are not handled soon, I’m peace. When I think back, we started hanging out in late June, I realized it could really be “something” in late July/ early August so yea he has about 1 months left to decide if he’s in or out. Either way I’m cool, but dragging it out any longer would just be a practice in futility. No I haven’t told him there is a cut off date b/c I am not into giving ultimatums. We are grownups now, and you don’t know by now that you need to focus all your energy on nurturing a new relationship, thus remove all “situations” from the picture, I don’t need to deal with you!
So pray that he handles his business b/c while I really enjoy him, I love me best!
September 14th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
The 3 month rule sounds good but the reality is that everyones situation is different…you’re going to have people wanting to test the “best of both worlds” theory . A guy/woman can come across as honorable in the beginning by not appearing hoe-ish with the new potential mate while getting down with the jump off on the side to fill that void.Some people feel that can have their cake and eat it too. Once you graduate high school the games should cease…be up front and real with where you’re coming from. You might not get the person or the booty but at least you were honest enough to put all your cards out on the table from the beginning.
If a man doesn’t value my up front and honest approach then he really wasn’t the one for me after all and it’s deuces!
Falling in love is easy,it’s staying there that’s complicated…
September 14th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
I like the 3 month rule but I’m a person who tends to say what my heart is feeling and I’ve been told it isn’t such a great idea because I might scare the poor man away. However; I feel if he gets scared then maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Sorry, I’m rambling… I like the 3 month rule, let of all the men/women in your life know that you’ve got a “BOO” now.
Good one Teej bear
-GeLi
September 14th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Love it!!! Love Jones is a classic… if you haven’t seen it, something is wrong with you!
September 14th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Luv Ya! Keep - Keepin it Real!
September 15th, 2008 at 7:21 am
See the reason this won’t work is because the woman will have formed attachments (maybe the guy too). Its cool to have an understanding but that understanding goes out the window when you start “acting” like my man while you don’t have a girl. The real rule should generate back to keeping it strictly business. When you start adding all the hugs, cuddles and kisses etc you start to form attachments that are not easily broken and inevitably you will hurt someones feelings. Speaking from experience it took me way longer than three months to end my attachment with my friend. And now we are just that “friends” …there will be no back tracking here. Even though you mean are relentless with it- even with a girl
September 15th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
I LOVE IT!!! But why are you trying to ruin all the fun….sometimes the games are what keeps things interesting….hehehehehehe
But i digress, well written and totally relevant…i forwarded it to some of the homies that i thought could appreciate your gangsta!
September 16th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
From a woman perspective…….
You see…. all relationships start off with a little bit of game. And we love to play CAT and MOUSE but when the game goes sour we seem be get very disappointed. But 3 months is a little bit long to watch for personalitly fluxuations. There and old game called PAC MAN play the game until you get caught………
September 18th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Interesting…I’ma ponder on how I feel about that!
September 18th, 2008 at 10:40 am
Haha….damn what rule book is this 3 month thing from?? Haha…dudes dont be playing that ish with me, they want me to shake anyone else right away…and if we f*ck twice, u my man!! LOL! (i got that quote from danisha)
I think my relationships stem from friendships anyways so we have already spent the time together, know one another..so when sex comes in….its not to say immediate relationship, but Im not gonna be fuckin no one else and I would hope he isnt either!! =} Is that just wishful thinking? lol….
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:36 am
3 months? I can barely commit for three weeks..and i got men that have cobwebs on them..the just in case files..
never gonna be my man..but just in case..
i think i feel a blog coming on..:)
May 31st, 2009 at 7:49 pm
I think this is fair, to be honest I’d probably need three months to officially end that thing that isn’t going anywhere and while at first thought I’d still feel a little jealous of his residual friends it only takes a quick look at my own life to put me in check.
However, unless this is officially discussed how do you get both parties to agree because it’s not necessarily understood. Human nature wants you to have that person all to yourself as soon as YOU decide that you are in to them and often I find it difficult to be really upfront about my dating status because men either think they can take their time if I’m not dating or keep it way too casual if I am.